When I woke up this morning it felt like I had a writing duty on my hands. I couldn’t stop typing. So it seems like this is a story that needs to be told. This time in a different way, more detailed, honest and unpasteurized. You know, just like organic milk. It might taste a little funky, to begin with, but after a while, you might realize that it is better for you than the fake shit. So what does milk has to do with my story? Absolutely nothing. But the title has everything to do with what happened, and let me tell you, it was everything else than a pleasant party in my pants.
In my life I have made choices that I wouldn’t have done over again today, I have made mistakes like most people do at some point. I have been challenged in ways that have worked out as life lessons. Yet nothing in my life had prepared me for what was to become the biggest challenge of them all. I was in deep d00-doo, and I absolutely hated the process as it desperately tried to teach me something, but I guess that is how it works. We can only connect the dots when looking back, seeing how far we have come and how much we have learned along the way. Today that’s exactly what I am doing: looking back, connection the dots, and sharing my story with you.
When I started to practice yoga I never dreamed of just how much it would affect my life. I never knew how deeply the practice would change me as a person: physically, mentally and emotionally. I didn’t know that it was possible to connect with so many amazing people through the same practice yet in different yoga communities all over the world. And never in my wildest dreams did I think that yoga was to become something that would change my life – completely.
On the day when my old life fell apart and everything seemed to stop, my new life started. I didn’t know it then, but now I do. I was lying on the floor, wanting to die. To put it this way: it was definitely not on the bright side that I began. I was sick, alone and with only worries on my mind. I was in deep need of something to help me. Something I hadn’t tried yet, which at that point was a very limited number of things. That something turned out to be yoga. After a while that something became my everything because it helped me heal my whole body and being: physical, mental and emotional.
The practice showed me how to connect to my inner strength and intuition, and through that awareness, I learned how to accept, forgive, surrender and most important of all… how to love. I never knew how to accept and love myself fully, so I always searched for answers outside of myself. I always searched for approval from others, lacking that certainty for myself. The irony was of course that the more depended I became of other people’s approval, acceptance and love – the more uncertain I became of my own intuitive wisdom and worth. So what happened? A blessing in disguise happened… and here is how:
I clearly recall that day when I was on my lowest. I had to rush to the hospital because my body was totally and literally collapsing (I will give you details soon). On the way home from the hospital I was bleeding like crazy. Did I mention that I had to take the bus home? Well, I did. Because nobody could pick me up, because nobody knew. I hadn’t really told or shown anyone just how serious this had become. I didn’t even realize it myself before that day. So, when my body completely crashed no-one understood the seriousness of it all. I was alone, halfway conscious, halfway somewhere else, at the point of barely standing, bleeding like hell. People were staring at me, they were walking in big circles around me, avoiding that creepy person who was bleeding her pants out. Ooh, what a wonderful moment that was.
Despite it all, I made my way home. I remember fiddling with my keys to open the front door. I tripped over my own feet and tried my best to support my head while my legs collapsed and I fainted on the floor. I had lost too much blood to cope with being conscious, so my body decided to crash-land right there and then, on the floor, in my hallway. At least I was wearing a big puffy jacket so it wasn’t too bad to rest and digest there for a while. Hah! the irony in life, hey… Anyways, when I woke up by myself, on the floor, these were the words that came to me: “Challenges are our stepping stones to a new point of view”.
I wrote it down. Closed my notebook, and then I cried. I cried to the point that there were no more tears left to cry. I remember thinking that I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up again. I had been through years of trying to fix my body searching for answers outside of myself; from everywhere and everyone. It had been many trials of trying my best to become 100% healthy again, and then THIS happened… An absolute low point where my body completely collapsed, literally – my colon had collapsed. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t go to the toilet, everything was stopped, expect the continuous bleeding that was a result of when the gastric specialist said: “let me have a look at this”… He used a medical method that obviously didn’t help me the way it was intended to do. So after a week, I was still bleeding, and still not knowing how this was going to be ok again, if ever… I have never felt so alone, disempowered and helpless as I did at that time.
Backtracking a bit… while I was at the hospital I asked the doctor for advice. I asked what type of treatment would help my body to heal, and he gave me only one option: to do an operation so that I for the rest of my life would have to have a colostomy bag and use medicines. The thought of that was terrifying, so I desperately asked him if there were other ways, any at all? He crossed his arms in front of his chests and arrogantly answered: “No! you have no other choice.”
At that point, something happened, something I never before had experienced. It was like something or someone powerfully took charge of my body: I wiped away the tears from my eyes, stood up, looked him straight in the eye and said: “Well, in that case, I’ll find another way myself because I know that this is not it. I feel that what is happening to me right now is only a sign of something else that needs to be healed. So I will figure out a way, somehow.” I have no idea where those words came from, so I was just as surprised over my respons as the doctor seemed to be. His arms were stilled crossed over his chest, now with a slightly smudge look on his face as he said: “Well, good luck with that…” Anger, disappointment, and fear switched on all the warming lamps in my body while I distinctly walked to the door and said thank you and goodbye. Since that day I’ve never been back. Who’s laughing now, asshole… Sorry, a bit of steam is obviously still present in my system for the ways he communicated with me that day.
As you know by now I had been struggling for a couple of years with a range of health issues. I started to experience digestive disorders when I was around 20 years of age, which followed developed into a range of autoimmune disorders and serious health challenges. I’m not gonna list them all, but if you’re especially interested you’re welcome to ask me. Long story short: for about 3 years I struggled with my health, trying every way from here to the moon to solve a puzzle where most of the pisces seemed to be missing. So when my colon collapsed it was a definite dead end to my life as I knew it.
At least that was what I believed until the day when I discovered healing from a practice that I didn’t know anything about or had ever been interested in before, and quite honestly I didn’t like yoga at all, to begin with. I started out with 20-30 minutes of restorative yin yoga at home to an old yoga DVD series that I found in the back of my closet. I dusted it off and gave it a try, and after a while, I started to notice positive progress physically and mentally. That sensation created a spark of curiosity that inspired me to practice and learn more about yoga. Little did I know then what a big difference it would make for my overall well-being and life as it is today.
Now I know how strong, powerful and adaptable I am – without having to be dependent on others to validate my worth. Has yoga taught me this? Yes, but it also has been more factors added to the equation. Yoga as a practice on the mat has helped my physical body to heal. While yoga off the mat has become an awareness that is teaching me a healthier and better way to relate and communicate with myself, others, life, and living.
About 4 years after that first time, I’m here, now. Writing this, with a smile on my face. I feel so goddam happy and proud of myself for how far I have come. I didn’t do what the doctor told me, I didn’t listen to those telling me that I needed to do what seemed to be the only way. I know that it is an unconventional way, yet it turned out to be the right choice for me. For the first time in my life I followed that inner awareness, I listened to my intuition daring me to do something different. In practical terms, I had no frikkin idea how I would heal, or how I would make this mess work to my advantage. I didn’t know what or how I could help myself. I was scared out of my mind… and maybe that was exactly what was needed for me to listen to my heart.
So this was it. I completely crashed back then. My life fell apart. I had to quit everything I was doing including my studies and my jobs. My old ways of living fell apart, most likely so that I could build something brand new. Did it happen overnight? Absolutely not. It was a process, and it still is. But one thing is certain: if life didn’t challenge me in the ways it did back then, I would never have found the ways of life I am living today.
Right now, I feel happy and healthy. I am proud of myself for making it through the struggles, I am proud that I am daring to share this with you, and I am proud of my yoga practice. A practice of equal value both on and off the mat… So by looking back and connecting the dots, I can clearly see that what happened to me then was a blessing in disguise. A blessing that today allows me to share this with you. I am sharing by the written words of mine and through the practice of yoga. Being able to do so makes me feel like I am fulfilling my heartfelt passion and purpose ♥Which is the best feeling in the world!
So for those of you reading this, and to those of you meeting me on the mat – thank you for being part of mydream teamso that I can continue to share my heartfelt purpose with you, showing me that it was all worth it in the end.