So the contrasts are interesting, coming back to Norway from California. First Oslo with its joyful city vibe, then Alta with its small town triumfs, northern lights and minus degrees. It is two totally different worlds, three actually. The first week in Oslo was kinda cool, I love the beautiful buckeye of friends and the community that I have in that city – they make me feel like I belong, it feels like home. Being back was a pleasure and a joy, and in many ways a lot easier than living in LA. I also felt like I had failed on my dream to create what I wanted in California. So naturally I thought about settling down and letting go of my dream about California living. So it seemed to be all set then. This was it I thought. I am finito… but that was before God gave me a badass kick in my belly…
After a week in Oslo I travelled up north in Norway, back home where I grew up. It was good to see my family again, I felt immensily appreciative for the comfortable space at home, a space that welcomes me with warmth, a space that allows me to unpack my shit and finally feel 100% grounded, relaxed and safe. A space that I know will always make me feel that way, and it´s so soothing for my soul. At least in the beginning…
Then out of nowhere a travel hangover hit me, hard. It was suddently extremely challenging to face the cold weather, the heavy winter darkness and the feeling of not knowing what is gonna be next and where. I was resistant like crazy, and I just wanted to escape all of it! I wanted to go right back to California, but since that was a long shot I aimed for Oslo instead: “Dad, I’m heading back to Oslo for 2 weeks, but I will be back up north to celebrate x-mas”. The moment I said so my intuition gave me a badass kick in the belly clearly telling me to get my f*** shit together! Or in other words… slow down, breath and listen to learn.
So as it seems it turned out to be a reason for the resistance that was killing me softly. It wanted me to look back, connect the dots and view my world from a new perspective. It wanted me to stay in the feeling of being resistant and learn from it. It wanted me to see the blessings in disguise and accept the lessons needed to be learned. Which I now appreciate, even the few little fuckers that are hard to handle.
So what did that badass belly kick give me of value? What did I learn?
I have learned that it is no shame in returning back home. I have accepted that so called failure is a result of trying for something I wanted and getting what I needed instead. The irony is that what I needed turned out to give me the benefit of the doubt, now I´m willing to flow with life and try for something else, this time without expectations and with a new point of view. I have learned that the contrasts created from the choice I keep making about not settling down (just yet) gives me the beautiful benefit of feeling home wherever I am. But that can only be when I choose to see both lessons and love as equally valid in each its way – which includes to accept and face the hard times when life gives us lemons. How? Pull our sleeves up and make some frikkin fantastic lemonade, add some sweetener, drink, enjoy and then move on…
I used to be someone who was afraid of my shadow sides, I preferred harmony within and around me as much as possible, and I hated the fact that it wasn’t possible to keep it that way all the time. So my solution became one I’ve seen applied around me quite frequently when I was a kid: to ignore the issue and pretend that all is perfect when it absolutely isn’t. That used to be the way I lived, I used to struggle and just kick my own ass to get stronger, I used to suffer but not let anyone see it, I used to pretend because I was aiming so high that anything else than perfect wasn’t good enough.
Now I have stopped giving myself poison, I have found a better way to live life everyday. And you know what, if I could do it, so can you, if you feel like you need to… For me it was after I started with yoga that I learned about a new way of being. It was a process that started then, about 4 years ago now, and it´s still a process in progress each and every day. At that time I didn’t believe that I would benefit from my hardships, but now I am grateful for the challenges given to me that forced me off the wrong track and into the path I am walking today.
I am currently strolling along on a path that is full of flowers, butterflies and great views! And of course the occasional lemon trees that might shadow the sun from time to time, but it is all a part of the journey. And let me tell you, this re-route is not exclusive and only meant for me, it´s available for you and everyone else who is willing to give themselves what they truly deserve:
The willingness to bee seen
The willingness to be vulnerable.
Because being vulnerable is the biggest strength we have.
Believing that you are enough – good enough.
Because you are.
Believing that your life matter – that you matter.
Because you do.
Because you can,
and because you deserve it